Conscientious Un-Hovering
From the time our children are babies we do everything we can to protect them.
We boil the bottle nipples (well maybe only for the first baby) and made sure they go to every well baby checkup. When they start to walk we follow behind them to make sure they don’t hit their tiny heads. When they start to ride a bike we run alongside so they we can catch them if they start to lose control. As they become teenagers we want to protect them even more – from all the mean kids, from the temptation of alcohol and from the one that will break their heart. We have talks and set rules. It’s more challenging to protect them as they grow in to young adults.
I have always tried to protect my girls, but I’ve tried not to hover. I never wanted to be the helicopter mom. This is a challenge and an art. When my oldest, Ellie, got her driver’s license I texted her every time I heard an ambulance. She finally told me I was disrupting her school day and she would let me know when she was driving. My own mother always told me that you have to give your kids enough rope to let them make mistakes, but not so much that you couldn’t save them if you need to. I laugh about this when I think of my sister and I driving way before cellphones. My sister once had a car catch on fire on the interstate. She caught a ride with a truck driver, stopped at a truck stop a couple of hours away and called my parents collect. Can you imagine a parent today staying calm in this situation? My mom also told me that you can’t always be with your kids and sometimes accidents just happen. She assured me that I would want my kids to grow up to be independent young adults. This was sound advice and one I heeded when our girls both selected colleges over 9 hours away.
On September 29, 2017 my husband and I experienced every parent’s worst nightmare. Our Ellie was killed in an ATV accident. She was 21 and away at college. This was a weekend trip we knew nothing about. Our lives were shattered – I will share more about this in a future blog- but we had to continue being a parent to our daughter, Hannah. We are now so vulnerable. We now know the worst can happen. How do we keep from being overprotective of our youngest daughter? We would love to keep her in a glass box but we know that is not fair.
When Hannah came to us last fall and said she wanted to go on Spring Break with a girlfriend my initial thought was “no way.” But my husband and I talked about it and it’s not fair to deny her the same experiences we had because we are too afraid. She is 20 and should be able to experience all that college has to offer. So we are letting her travel out of the country with a girlfriend. I have made a mental safety list for her and told it to her more times than she would like. She is a responsible young adult and I know will use her best judgment. That doesn’t mean I won’t spend the week worrying about her – as most mom’s do. I am trying to make a conscientious effort to not hover and be too over protective. I want my daughter to travel and study abroad. I want her to take risks and be strong. Fly my beautiful child – be the strong independent woman you are meant to be. I know you have a special guardian angel that wants you to live life to the fullest.